Dad:
I’ve had some time to think about the things you said to me, the day I told you I was bisexual. I’ve thought about what it means, and what you believe, and where I fit into that picture. I’ve come to a decision.
I assume by now you’ve shared the news with Mom, if not my sisters. (One already knows, I talked to her privately.) I don’t mind if you have, or if you choose to in the future. It’s not something I particularly need kept secret. In fact, that’s kind of the point.
I’m not writing this to disprove your religious beliefs, nor to tell you you’re wrong for believing them. My intent is not to break your faith in any way. However, in order to state my message clearly, there is something I need you to understand: I do not believe in your God. I do not share your faith.
Because of this, I cannot agree with statements made on the basis of faith alone. Telling me “It’s wrong because God says so” is not a valid argument to me, any more than “It’s wrong because I say so” – which, to be honest, is all I’m hearing in those statements. I am a grown adult, and I have the freedom and the right to make my own life choices.
I am choosing to live my life out of the closet. I am not ashamed of my sexuality.
I am choosing to explore my sexuality. I am not ashamed of my desires.
I do this with the full consent and blessing of my current partner, who understands there are certain things in life he simply cannot provide for me. He and I are communicating better than we ever have before, we are more respectful of each other than we ever have been, and embarking on this journey has done wonderful things to strengthen our marital bond. I do this not to escape my marriage, but to enrich it. I do this not to tear down our bond, but to build it up.
Ultimately, who I build relationships with and how my husband and I manage our marriage is none of your business. I am not interested in hearing how you think I am Doing Marriage Wrong.
But there is something I need you to understand: I will not accept mere tolerance. I am tired of hearing the message “Well, it’s not what we would choose for you, but it’s your life to live.” That statement tells me that you’re not going to stop me if you think I’m making a mistake, and you won’t try to have an open and honest conversation about it, but in your heart of hearts you will always carry condemnation and judgment toward me. You will always be waiting to say “I told you so.”
I have yearned my whole life for approval from you. I have yearned my whole life for acceptance. I have made myself miserable to the point of desperation, trying to squeeze myself into the rigid role of model child, trying to be this mysterious perfect daughter that you could love without reservation. But I have always failed – maybe not in your eyes, but certainly in mine. I feel I have not gained your acceptance or your understanding. I do not have your support in being myself and following my heart: merely your tolerance.
The time has come for me to ask for your acceptance. I realize, given your faith, what a monumental thing it is I ask of you. I am asking you to consider that the Church may have it wrong on this one. I am asking you to re-examine your beliefs.
I would not ask this of you if it did not matter. If I was comfortable believing that my feelings were wrong, I would not ask it. If I was comfortable lying to you about this part of my life, I would not ask it. If I was comfortable with discrimination dressed up as loving tolerance, I would not ask it.
But I am not comfortable with those things.
You were right when you said it was not wrong to be attracted to members of the same sex. I believe that. But I cannot accept that it is wrong to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. To accept that would be to turn my back on a wide community of wonderful, loving people; a community of which I am a part. I cannot accept that falling in love can ever be a sin – and I cannot accept that expressing that love, exploring that love, could ever be sinful, either. There may be times when it can hurt, yes – people are imperfect and as such can hurt each other – but that does not make it morally wrong. The full experience of love, in its myriad of forms, is an inalienable human right.
So here it is: the crucial decision.
I respect your right to religious freedom. I respect your faith and your beliefs, though I do not agree with all of them. Because of this respect, I will not demand your acceptance – even if I could demand such a thing.
However, I also respect myself. I respect my right to choose how I live my life, and with whom. Because of this respect, I will not subject myself to the pain of discrimination and intolerance, even from those who love me. Because of this respect, I will choose to lead a life that brings me joy and fulfillment, and choose the friends and lovers and partners that support me on this path.
I would like to share my life of joy with you. In order to share it fully, I need to know that you accept the life I live, without judgment. Tolerance (“It’s ok to feel that way, but not to act on it”) is not acceptance. If you cannot offer acceptance, then I cannot continue to share my life with you. I will not edit and hide parts of my life to show you a face you approve of.
You must either love all of me, or none.
To ask someone to accept something that he or she disagrees with sounds like a losing request. I do however, hope that your family and you can find love and understanding on both ends.
Touching stuff. I’ll just say I’ve had a pretty similar experience myself. My main blog here is about volleyball, but writing as a mistress always comes back to screenwriting for me, and little surprise that most of my main characters have daddy issues.
I’ve learned you can love someone and still not want them to be in your life. When it causes too much pain. I don’t suggest that’s your path, because that would be an arrogant thing to suggest (I don’t know you and I never will), but I feel compelled to mention that as my own path, it’s made me about as peaceful with my family situation as I could ever be.
Brave and perfect, I can relate. Very much so, a some 15 years or so ago. Sometimes we get blessed with parents that will love us no matter what and sometimes we get blessed with parents that do not care who we love. I got blessed with both, but my parents did take time to accept me being a lesbian, took them bout a year. So you never know. Faith in love is the kind of faith I have, and I hope you continue to posses.
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
Absolutely fantastic and what millions of other people are also wishing they could say/send. very inspirational excellent read
I hope you and your mother? (or father) can work it out. And yet, I don’t think you can ask someone not to make a judgement. The most they will do is say ‘ok’ and then make one, and hide it from you. You can’t control the thoughts of others, only their expression.
Very touching post to read – as others are saying people are always going to judge, I just wish for myself and every one else that most people would do it quietly to themselves.
I hope it works out for you, it appears you deserve happiness.
I hope it works out for you. All the best!
I hope this turns out for the best in due time. Stay strong x
This is so well-articulated. I wish you strength and much love in this time.
Wow really powerful letter. I essentially divorced my mother/sister/grandmother nearly 20 years ago because they could not accept me for the person I was. Haven’t spoken to any of them since and it was SUCH a relief to have that toxicity out of my life. Brave but incredibly hard move, hope it works out for you in the best possible way :)
Wow. This is raw, real and so courageous. I am so proud of you. Even though I don’t know you, your words touched me. I really felt them. I especially liked the part about editing parts of you for approval. This was a beautiful and touching read. Don’t ever be anything less than you. xxx
Reblogged this on southweb2.
Hi,
I thought it might be interesting to see how you felt after the tremendous response from your post. I initially read this blog the other day and I for one would love to know if decided to send it in the end. At the very least I’d love to know how you’re feeling.
Looking forward to the follow up.
Regards,
Boy
x
It’s been… well, overwhelming, to say the least. I think I’m about as torn on sending it as I was before it hit Freshly Pressed – but the outpouring of support and kind words has definitely been uplifting. :)
If I do decide to send it, I’ll definitely be posting an update!
Really, really tough decision!
I sympathize with you. I know about not being accepted for who I am. Send the letter. You don’t want to look back one day and wish you had when it may be too late at that point. I hope they accept you and if not, forgive them. It’s sometimes best to let people be and eventually they will come to accept what they cannot change.
Peace & Love
if your life good between you and your husband and you are sure you can live without your dad and he you…….then send it but before you do be sure you can live with the consequences of your actions. Iv spent to much energy over too many years protecting a stance, political, sexual rights,homosexuals and having a right to have children, to be accepted fully or not at all ,, like yourself etc only to find in the end its not that it doesn’t matter……….it doesn’t matter so much to ME what they think of me as what I THINK OF ME. (sorry for caps) , just its not as important as i though it was after all. It wase’t worth the fuss or even the energy of taking a stand. People can’t change their hart at will and maybe they should not be asked to. Sometimes them accepting you is as hard as you accepting this situation.
religion is not going to change its mind over this issue anytime soon and your dads spent years holding a belief that didn’t directly effect him until now. …He won’t, or can’t accept you fully and be true to his religion at the same time……and do you really need him to say you are more important than his religion to him? i think you know that already the religion wont change (and maybe it should do but that’s a whole different argument)
Even if he says the words, says your right and the path of your love is right, and everything else your hart desires will you really believe it? Have you gained anything in the end by it?You might end up with winning nothing but losing so much.
The thing i am hinting at is you may lose him for life. Maybe not by his choice at first but by your pride because once its out their you might not be able to take it back, no matter how much you wish you can your pride wont let you and you end up in a big delema over backing down or forcing him to say something you know he doesn’t believe……….it just seems like if you send it it will be a lose lose situation, and they are never worth the energy…………..Instead just live your life as you do and don’t get involved in a discussion with him about your private life. Don’t let him tell you you are wrong for what you do, don’t you believe your wrong for what you do……but don’t try and force him into saying his religion is wrong (even if it might be so) don’t force him into anything because you still wont believe you have his acceptance, which is what you have said you have wanted all your life. …your words touched me, their well put and provide a good argument for the stance that you hold and their passionate with what might be your pain and the injustice of your situation…… but you might well gain nothing by forcing him into a situation weer you will be abandoned..If he is out your life the grieving and pain over all this won’t just vanish it will just change. Its not a weak thing to have someone in our life and they don’t accept us fully. I don’t know how long you have been living this way but their nothing to lose by giving him some time to see if he comes around and can find some way to accept you as you are and as you are living your life. Id love to know how long this has been going on as that really directs your actions, or next steep……
I think you dad should accept you the way you are…you are the same person no matter what. Send the letter for sure.
I really hope you get to send that letter some day. Sorry to hear that you are being so harshly judged when we live in a society these days that quite frankly should just get on with it. People have a choice to live their life how they want to and nobody else has a right to tell them how they should think and feel. Everyone has their right to their own opinion as your father does however if he can see it is hurting you surely he can try and see it from your point of view.
Good luck :D
Oh, what a difficult choice to make! The letter is beautifully written and I’m sure a lot of people share your sentiments and identify with it. I was lucky, my parents and grandmothers never showed a sign of disapproval and I never asked them to approve. I find that I agree with lettersforl on whether it’s really worth sending the letter though, as the consequences could be very hard to bear. I’ve put myself into situations where I really wished I could un-write something but of course that’s never possible. So I’ve learnt to write it all, get it off my chest but then I usually end up not sending that version, and most of the time I don’t regret not sending it when I look back some time after. Whatever you decide to do I wish you success!!
“Tolerance is not acceptance”. This is lovely and heartfelt, it really touched me. I hope you get to send this letter one day. Hopefully, soon.
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Depending on the tone of voice…“Well, it’s not what we would choose for you, but it’s your life to live.”
When I read it, the tone was really calm and honest. if that was the case and there was no sarcasm involved, I’d say your father has already accepted you for who you are – but that doesn’t mean he likes how things are and will shut up about his opinion…because looks like he won’t. But overall, I think he’s accepted. He knows he can’t change anything, but because of his own personal faith, he can’t support you without feeling like he’s betraying himself and his faith. Are you guys on otherwise good terms though? Agree to disagree? There’s much worse things than being bisexual, and you’re not harming anyone else or yourself so hopefully, eventually that will be enough for him. All the best! You might like to add also that you didn’t choose this, it’s just how you are, and you want to live your life the best you can, and that starts with being as honest as you can to yourself and the people close to you because honesty is a good moral value :) and you are a person with important life principles you intend to uphold.
I’m sure he can support you for that last bit ^.
Good luck with your decision! Even if someone doesn’t agree with you, he should respect your choice! It’s your life afterall!
Good luck, whatever your decision. A really inspirational and courageous letter. Be true to who you are. Much love. xxx
I don’t know you, but I’m so proud of you for writing this! Loved reading.
I’m just passing by, and we don’t know each other, but I can’t help commenting because there are a few things in your letter which really bother me.
* You say, “I’m not writing this to disprove your religious beliefs, nor to tell you you’re wrong for believing them. My intent is not to break your faith in any way.” But then later, you say, “I am asking you to consider that the Church may have it wrong on this one. I am asking you to re-examine your beliefs.” Which one is it? Do you allow him to keep his faith as it is, or do you want him to change it? It can’t be both.
* You say, “I will not demand your acceptance”, but then you proceed to give him an ultimatum: he must choose between giving you his full acceptance regardless of his own beliefs and feelings, or lose you altogether. This is emotional blackmail, which is very much a form of demand.
* You say, “I have yearned my whole life for approval from you. I have yearned my whole life for acceptance. I have made myself miserable to the point of desperation, trying to squeeze myself into the rigid role of model child, trying to be this mysterious perfect daughter that you could love without reservation. But I have always failed – maybe not in your eyes, but certainly in mine. ” Again, which one is it? Is it in his eyes, or in yours only? Is he the one who demanded that you be this or that way, or is this something you projected onto him? If he indeed said or did things throughout your life which made you think he was disappointed in you, then you are entitled to blaming him for feeling bad. But if all this was only something you projected onto him, then it’s not fair to hold him responsible for your feelings. So, did you fail in his eyes, or only in yours?
* You say, “I feel I have not gained your acceptance or your understanding. I do not have your support in being myself and following my heart”. I say, so what? As you mentioned, you’re a grown adult, so what do you need your parents’ acceptance and understanding for? Why does it matter so much to you if there are parts of your life they don’t like? This is the case in the vast majority of parents/children relationships; it doesn’t mean that these families can’t enjoy each other’s company and love. Love does NOT have to include full acceptance; in fact, it rarely, if ever, does – tolerance, yes, acceptance, no.
In conclusion:
You say, “Tolerance (“It’s ok to feel that way, but not to act on it”) is not acceptance. If you cannot offer acceptance, then I cannot continue to share my life with you. I will not edit and hide parts of my life to show you a face you approve of.”
Do you realise that you are demanding of your father what you are unwilling to give him? You are telling him that it’s okay to have the beliefs he has, but that it’s not okay to act on them. You’re asking him to edit and hide parts of his life to show you a face you approve of.
You demand that he choose whether he’s going to love all of you or none, when in fact YOU are the one who demand to be able to share all of your life with him on your own terms, and threaten to abandon him entirely if you can’t do that. You keep saying he’s the one lacking respect and tolerance and acceptance, when in fact YOU are the one saying “It’s my way or the highway”.
What about working on a compromise instead? You know, like reasonable adults do in pretty much every single relationship of any kind they have?
By the way: you want your father to love all of you – but at NO point do you mention that YOU love HIM…
You know, I really didn’t want to publish this comment – because I’m not terribly fond of being torn down and told I’m a bad person for wanting love and acceptance from my parents – but I’d like to point out a few things:
1) Your comment, and many like it, assume that the power balance is equal between myself and my parents. Meaning: if I tell them it’s wrong to have religion and that they should stop (which I’m not), you’re assuming that it carries the same weight as if they were to tell me that it’s wrong to be gay and I should stop. One of the most difficult things to overcome in our adult lives is the power imbalance between ourselves and our parents and learning to see each other as equals. I have seen my parents re-evaluate and change their beliefs for those they consider their peers; I am merely asking that they give me the same opportunity.
2) You and many others assume that asking my parents to give up – or even simply reconsider – their intolerant views of my sexuality means asking them to abandon their religion entirely. If I honestly thought the fundamental basis of my parents’ faith was homophobia, I wouldn’t bother asking. However, I know my parents build their faith on a foundation of love for God, each other, and their fellow human beings. I am asking them to consider that telling their child she’s going to hell for being queer – whether they believe it or not – is hurtful and not a loving Christian thing to do. It was Christ himself who said “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” I don’t have to share their faith to understand and accept it.
3) I have a right and a responsibility to distance myself from those who are causing me pain – regardless of the reasons why. If this were an intolerant coworker or a homophobic friend, I doubt there would be many people telling be to keep them in my life at any cost. Yet because it’s my parents, I have received a slew of comments urging me to continue a relationship where I feel judged, condemned, unloved, unwanted, and where I and the people I love continue to be treated like second-class citizens. I have the right to decide how to interact with my family, and if that decision is “not at all” that’s no one’s business but mine. It doesn’t make me a petulant teenager; it makes me an adult who has learned the value of self-respect and self-care.
There are many points I disagree with in your comment. I am not interested in debating those points with you, which is why I’m not responding to them. You have a right to your opinion, and I have a right to mine. I doubt either one of us will ever change the other’s mind.
But I’m curious: What kind of compromise, exactly, is one that reasonable adults would come to in this situation? A compromise where I don’t talk about my sexuality and my parents get to keep pretending I’m the daughter they wanted? Because that’s exactly what the situation is now, and I’m not happy with that. I have a right to live my life openly. I would love to have a relationship with my parents where I share that life with them, and they get to see how happy it makes me and what fulfillment it brings me; but we can’t have that relationship if they don’t accept me for who I am. This letter is meant to start a conversation, not condemn a lifestyle.
” I’m not terribly fond of being torn down and told I’m a bad person for wanting love and acceptance from my parents”
I never said that. I never even thought it. I only commented on some things you said, that’s all.
“One of the most difficult things to overcome in our adult lives is the power imbalance between ourselves and our parents and learning to see each other as equals. I have seen my parents re-evaluate and change their beliefs for those they consider their peers; I am merely asking that they give me the same opportunity.”
Quite frankly, I have no idea whatsoever what a healthy parent-child relationship is supposed to look like. I don’t have a father, and my mother suffers from a personality disorder which means she never loved me at all, never even saw me as a human being. Inversely, I’ve never been able to see my son as anything but a person equal to me in rights and potential, who “only” needs me to care for him as he fully comes into his own full adult self. So I’ll take your word on this matter, and from there, I can understand your frustration in not having your opinions be treated with the same consideration by your parents as they would a peer’s.
“However, I know my parents build their faith on a foundation of love for God, each other, and their fellow human beings. I am asking them to consider that telling their child she’s going to hell for being queer – whether they believe it or not – is hurtful and not a loving Christian thing to do.”
*shrug* If their church is anything like the one I grew up in, then obedience to God is pretty much the main way to show one’s love for Him. I was even taught that warning others of what awaited them in the next life if they didn’t follow God’s commandments was indeed the most loving thing we could do for them, that there was no greater gift someone could give their loved ones but Eternal Life through conversion and life-long obedience to the commandments. Parents who let their “wayward children” live their lives freely were rebuked for failing in their duty to care for the eternal welfare of the soul of their child. So… Yeah. It really depends on what your parents actually believe.
“I have the right to decide how to interact with my family, and if that decision is “not at all” that’s no one’s business but mine.”
You’re preaching to the choir. I cut all ties with my mother a while ago already. Also, please note that *I* never urged you to continue the relationship with your parents just because they’re your parents – that’s bullsh*t, as far as I’m concerned.
” I doubt either one of us will ever change the other’s mind.”
You shouldn’t. I’m always open to good arguments, to learning, to understanding more, and, yes, to changing my mind if I encounter a new way which is better than how I used to think.
“What kind of compromise, exactly, is one that reasonable adults would come to in this situation? A compromise where I don’t talk about my sexuality and my parents get to keep pretending I’m the daughter they wanted? ”
Something like that, I suppose, yes.
“I have a right to live my life openly. I would love to have a relationship with my parents where I share that life with them, and they get to see how happy it makes me and what fulfillment it brings me”
I think what I don’t understand is why it’s so important for you to talk about your sexuality with your parents. As I said, I have no idea what a normal parent-child relationship looks like, but it was my understanding that most adult children don’t discuss their sex life with their parents. Would it really be such a sacrifice for you to just live your life openly but not discuss every bit of it with your parents? Plenty of adult children avoid discussing parts of their lives with their parents because they know it will end in a fight, whether it be political opinions, child-rearing practices, or who knows what else. So why couldn’t your sexuality be one of those “taboo” topics? I really feel like I’m missing something here, because I see you equating “living my life openly” and “having my sexuality be accepted by my parents”, and I just don’t follow how you go from one to the other. Help?
I don’t really know how I can better explain it. It’s not about my sex life. It’s about my whole life. It’s more than just who I sleep with – it’s who I am. I am queer. It’s an important part of my identity. So making it a “taboo” topic, something We Just Don’t Talk About, is more than just not discussing my sex life with my parents. It means there are people in my life I have to pretend don’t exist (or aren’t as important to me as they are)… it means there are problems I face that I can’t discuss with them or get their help or support on… it means I have to pretend to be someone I’m not when I’m around them, and it means I can’t share my opinions or my life experience freely. It means I can’t share this blog with them – even though it’s important to me and a pretty big part of my life and my plans for the future.
Look, I’m comfortable avoiding certain topics of discussion with my parents. I don’t bring up political topics during election season. I don’t bore them with my Magic: The Gathering cards or ask them to understand why I’m into D&D. I don’t need to – it’s not important to me if they don’t like Obama. I know they’ll still love me if I game or role-play, even if they don’t understand it.
I guess what it boils down to is this: Why am I the one that has to hide who I am in order to keep the peace? Why can’t it be my parents’ disapproval of my lifestyle that’s the taboo topic? People seem to assume that coming to a compromise involves me being silent about anything that makes them uncomfortable. I’m not okay with that. So if my parents don’t want me queering up their life and Facebook feed, that’s fine – but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being and acting queer. It means I’ll make sure they stop hearing about it… by removing myself from interaction with them.
I don’t know… I guess it’s just weird to me that you would need to be able to talk about everything that’s important to you with your parents. I mean, when I look at people around me, it seems to me that all of them, even the ones who have pretty good relationships with their parents or adult children, don’t expect to be able to discuss every important aspect of themselves with their parents or kids, and they don’t seem to have much a problem with it. It’s just, “Nah, I don’t talk about that with my parents/kids, are you crazy!?” But, well, I’m not actually in their heads, so maybe I get them completely wrong, or I just don’t see the pain they hide.
“I guess what it boils down to is this: Why am I the one that has to hide who I am in order to keep the peace? Why can’t it be my parents’ disapproval of my lifestyle that’s the taboo topic?”
Well, I got the feeling from your letter that you wouldn’t be satisfied with that? Maybe I got it completely wrong, but I really got the feeling as I read the letter that even if they never said anything negative ever again, it wouldn’t be enough for you, because you’d know that they think differently.
” People seem to assume that coming to a compromise involves me being silent about anything that makes them uncomfortable. I’m not okay with that.”
Well, to me, it depends on whether they do the same for you? Do they keep silent around you about stuff they know will make you uncomfortable, or do they instead go out of their way to say negative stuff to you? Because, yeah, a compromise has to go both ways: you try not to bring up what you know they can’t accept, but they in turn don’t bring up topics that they know are hurtful or irritating to you. If they don’t do their part, then yeah, you don’t have to make any effort either.
“So if my parents don’t want me queering up their life and Facebook feed, that’s fine – but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being and acting queer. It means I’ll make sure they stop hearing about it… by removing myself from interaction with them.”
:( It’s sad, but if you feel they are not leaving you any other option… Just be aware that it will hurt. Be prepared to grieve what could have been, because even if it turns out to be the best thing you’ve ever done, you will still mourn for a while for that alternate life where things didn’t turn out that way. But sometimes some terrible things need to be done, and if this is one of these terrible things, well then, be strong and good luck to you!
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