Content Warning: Weird stuff. You've been warned.

Monthly Archives: April 2016

5:50 am: Alarm goes off. Hit ten-minute snooze.

6:00 am: Alarm goes off. Hit ten-minute snooze again.

6:30 am: Backup alarm goes off. Wonder what you did wrong that the ten-minute snooze didn’t work. Make mental note to pay more attention to which way you swipe the button on your phone, maybe you’re turning it off by mistake. Make mental note to delete alarm and set it up again, maybe it glitched somehow. Mentally bet yourself that you’ll immediately forget both mental notes. Resolve to yourself to get up at the first alarm tomorrow, you have to, your hair is getting greasy and you really need a shower.

6:35 am: Jesus, your hair’s even greasier than you thought. Consider the merits of wearing a hat. Consider that it’s going to be warm today and the only hats you have are hand-knit beanies. Remind yourself that it’s possible to take showers in the evenings, too, dipshit.

6:36 am: Wash your hair in the sink.

6:40 am: Finish brushing teeth and stare emptily into the mirror for a second, trying to remember what comes next. Notice you forgot to put in your earrings. Recall for the billionth time how your friend said that gauging your ears would make the earring-holes look like cats’ buttholes. Agree for the billionth time that she was right, your earlobes do look like cats’ buttholes. Make mental note to put in earrings. Maybe match them with your shirt or something.

6:41 am: Push the actual cat off the bathroom counter for the billionth time, that’s not where you belong silly kitty and you know it.

6:42: Fucking A those claws are sharp.

6:45 am: Stand in front of an open drawer in jeans and a bra, holding a still-folded pair of socks. Debate merits of various tee shirts. Realize tee shirts don’t have merits, they’re fucking tee shirts. Grab the one off the top.

6:45 and a half am: Fuck, that’s what you wore yesterday. Grab the second one. Pull the cat out of the drawer, jesus christ cat what if you get stuck behind the drawer somehow, that’s no place for kitties, you could die or something

6:45 and three quarters: Close the drawer. Open the drawer. Grab the folded socks out of the drawer, you’d forget your damn head if it wasn’t attached.

6:49 am: Finish tying your shoes as quickly as possible. You have to leave in one minute exactly or you’re going to miss the bus for sure.

6:50 am: Realize as you’re locking the front door that one shoe is tied noticeably tighter than the other. Too late now. Fuck it. You’ll fix it when you get to work.

6:52 am: Put in headphones and start audiobook. Realize you never put in earrings. Restart the chapter because your inner monologue about cats’ buttholes distracted you from the story and it’s a good part.

6:58 am: Arrive at bus stop. Smile awkwardly at the lady you lent a cigarette to and made small talk with that one time. Feel guilty that you don’t really want to talk again. She’s got her headphones in too though, it’s probably fine. Maybe.

7:01 am: Check OneBusAway. Scheduled arrival for the express bus, 7:01 am. Expected arrival in three minutes.

7:04 am: Check OneBusAway. Expected arrival in two minutes. Ponder the possibility that people on buses do not experience linear time.

7:10: Get on bus. Try to smile politely, cheerfully at the driver while also tapping your pass on the waist-high reader. Fail at both. Now you’re holding up the line, good job.

7:10 and a half: Try not to step on anyone while walking to the back of the bus. Try not to sit on someone’s coat as you squeeze into the middle seat. Fail at both. Good job.

7:10 and three quarters: Find the one small angle where you can look out the window, without looking too close to someone else’s line of sight where they might think you’re staring at them, but also without cricking your neck for the whole ride.

7:30: Give up and stare at the floor.

7:32: Give up on that and just close your eyes.

7:40: Disembark bus. Adjust shoulder bag to account for the crick in your neck. Walk another several blocks to work. Briskly. You’re late.

7:46: Hold the elevator door for someone just a little too far down the hall.

7:46: Come on buddy, the least you could do is hustle just a little bit.

7:46 and a half: Oh, he’s not going up. Let doors close. Press button futilely a few times, mildly panicking alone in the elevator, until you remember you have to scan your access card because it’s the morning, dipshit.

7:46 and three quarters: Wonder at what time the elevator lets people ride it without having to scan an access card.

7:47: Probably 8.

7:48: Open office door. The lights are off. You’re the first one here. Again.

7:49: Almost 20 minutes late. Fuck it. Make coffee anyway.

7:55: How many different ways are there for an automatic espresso machine to avoid doing its job?

7:56: At least one more. Wonder if baking soda removes coffee stains, or was it just grease stains?

7:57: Use up the last of the creamer. Make mental note to buy more. Remember mental note to delete and re-set alarm. Make mental note to remember that mental note later.

8:00: Do the thing.

9:15: Do the other thing.

9:20: Ugh, almost forgot that thing. Do that.

10:00: Go outside for a smoke. Try not to make eye contact. Someone asks for a smoke anyway. Tell them it’s your last one. It’s always your last one. Hope they’re not still hanging around this block at lunchtime.

12:05: Oh good, they’re gone. Smoke. Buy lunch. Bring it back to your desk because you don’t want to sit somewhere and eat alone in a sea of suits talking about their business-related business.

12:05: Oh good, the suits in the office are talking business-related business. Glance significantly at the empty conference rooms as they part just enough for you to get to your desk. Try not to murder the suit who’s leaning on your cubicle wall.

12:06: Where did you get lunch? Lucky Noodle. It is neither lucky, nor is it noodle. Inwardly kick yourself for the horrible dad joke. Kick yourself because that it’s not the first time you’ve told that joke. Stay so busy kicking yourself that you don’t even care that no one laughs. They’re right not to.

12:35: Wonder, not for the last time, if bamboo chopsticks are compostable, recyclable, or none of the above.

12:36: Compost? We’re going with compost. That can’t be the worst thing that goes into a city compost bin today.

12:37: Pretend to work while you finish reading that article you started over lunch.

12:50: Fuck, that was a longer article than you thought. Decide to skip your last break to make up for it.

3:00: Remember you forgot to get creamer when you were out for lunch. Make a mental note to get it on the way in tomorrow. Remember your mental note about the alarm thing.

3:45: Leave 15 minutes early, because you skipped your last break.

4:15: Wonder how it is that the bus home is so much longer than the bus in. Wonder if it’s actually a longer ride, or just feels that way because it’s at the end of the day. Wonder if time maybe actually is non-linear and timekeeping is just a man-made construct.

4:16: Oh that’s right, the bus is super late in the evenings because fucking everyone in the goddamn world rides it.

4:19: No please, don’t worry about taking up space sir, your elbow between my ribs is quite refreshing and will certainly keep me awake and standing for the remainder of the trip.

4:36: Try to politely, cheerfully wave goodbye to the driver while also gauging the distance between your foot and the curb without really looking. Fail at both.

4:37: Don’t light your cigarette until you’re past the park. People will think you’re deliberately poisoning their children.

4:39: You’re definitely the trashiest person in this neighborhood. At least since the truck with the Trump bumper sticker stopped coming around. Not that you’re actually trashy, you’ve just never seen anyone else in this neighborhood with a cigarette in their mouth. Or anyone under the age of 60, for that matter. Or anyone who looks like they might not own the house with the view of the water that is every house in this neighborhood.

4:40: Oh look, the million-dollar house is up for sale.

4:41 So are two others on this block.

4:42: Maybe it’s me. Trashing up the neighborhood. Scaring the neighbors out.

4:45: Unlock the door. Immediately discourage kittens from scratching at the rug. Encourage them toward the cardboard scratcher literally six inches away. Wonder if catnip really does anything.

5:00: You have the house to yourself for the next couple of hours, you can do anything you want.

5:05: Anything at all. Just… pick a thing.

5:06: Anything.

5:07: Eh, it’ll come to you.

6:45: Only realize you’ve been hate-reading Facebook for two hours when you hear the key in the lock. Greet partner. Suddenly remember that you wanted to knit and write and read that comic and listen to that audiobook some more, you’re at a really good part, and you were kinda planning to surprise him by having dinner ready when he got home. Dammit.

7:00: Watch TV while eating pizza.

10:00: Consider going to bed early.

10:05: Consider staying up late because who cares.

10:15: Fall asleep watching a movie. Apologize to partner. Get up to brush your teeth and get ready for bed.

10:25: What is so sleep-inducing about the couch that is simply not true about the bed?

10:29: Does toothpaste have caffeine in it?

12:30: Try to pretend you’re not still awake when partner comes to bed.

5:50 am: Alarm goes off. Hit ten-minute snooze.

6:00 am: Alarm goes off. Hit ten-minute snooze again.

6:30 am: Backup alarm goes off.

 

 

 

 

 

 


… and do something with my hands that does not involve petting the cats:

ntwbdri

Yes yes knitting BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEE?

Every time I nudge them with my foot to get them to stop scratching the carpet:

ldd876e

What no no claws in the carpet here of course not just stretching that’s all go about your business human go on k byyeee

This, except with towels:

fp2wffk

All the things belong on the floors silly human whyfor not you know that already

Every time a foot moves under the blankets:

hd91se4

I MUST KILL IT WITH TEETHS

They have no concept of “blocking the TV”:

arb4p1h

But is good place for sits.

What I wake up to every morning:

swxaee2

Is an hour before alarm happens. Good time for snuggles.

Damn, they’re cute though:

127i76

Look, I are a clock.

It’s been a long week and I needed kitty gifs. Thank you for indulging me.


If you haven’t seen the YouTube clip of the bird at the Bernie Sanders rally in Portland yet, a) you are behind the times friend, catch up, that was like a week ago and b) here’s a link. Go watch it. It’s 2 minutes long. I’ll wait.

Did you cry? I did. I cry every time I see it. WHY? I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Maybe it’s something to do with how comfortable he is with being interrupted. The fact that, in the middle of an emphatic speech about higher education, he stops cold to find out what the fuss is about. He doesn’t plow on with his speech, trying not to get upstaged. He doesn’t fight to steer the crowd’s attention back to him. He doesn’t throw anyone out for being disruptive. He follows the audience’s lead, and then – then?

He laughs. He smiles and laughs.

Maybe it’s that I can’t imagine any other candidate in the running for presidential nominee this year, on either side, who would stop mid-sentence to just acknowledge and enjoy the absurdity of this tiny little sparrow joining the rally. I don’t think there’s anyone else in this race that would have stepped aside and let that moment happen.

Of course, Bernie is a politician just like the rest of them are. And naturally, as a politician, he starts formulating something smooth to say about it. Something that sounds symbolic and inspiring and probably supports his platform in the process –

AND THEN THE BIRD LANDS ON THE PODIUM.

birdie sanders

I just. I can’t. That face says it all. What is happening? Is this real life? Why am I crying?

I think it’s because this year, of all years, is a scary one. Because the last several years have been hard on us all. I remember saying good riddance to 2014, convinced that it couldn’t get any shittier than that. Then came 2015, which upped the ante on Number Of Kicks In The Dick Within One Calendar Year. Personally and politically, those last two years have been eye-opening to say the least.

But 2016 is just utterly terrifying. I have never paid such close attention to politics in my life. Partially because, I believe, I am becoming more radicalized as I age. I am becoming more aware of the endless turning gears in the world and they myriad ways we can all get crushed between the cogs. Maybe things really are getting worse and more unfair than they have been before. Maybe our parents and grandparents did have it easier and they just don’t see how fucking hard it is to get by in this world, so my entire generation tries harder than ever and fails worse than ever and blames themselves for it the whole time. Maybe most of us who live in this country really are getting a raw deal. We’re actually getting taken advantage of, and told endlessly that it’s our fault for being fooled.

And we’re watching a certain orange-hued, combed-over politician bluster and bloviate his way to the top of the Republican dogpile. We’re hearing nothing but hate and oppression and violence, an overwhelming barrage of anger and disgust, and yet his numbers keep climbing. He keeps winning. We’re staring down the barrel of an era in this country that could actually destroy us. As much as we’ve hyperbolized in the past that this or that political movement would “ruin the country,” we’re now looking at a brewing situation that makes the fall of American civilization seem not only possible, but inevitable. And even beyond this one suit with a human-shaped turd in it… there doesn’t seem to be a lot of hope out there. We’re wary of hope, now. We hoped before and we were ultimately disappointed. It seems like the best we can hope for is more of the same, that we need to just vote for the safe bet and hope we’re not sold out for less than a song. We’re tired, tired of fighting our hardest for a better future, tired of hearing over and over that it’s a pipe dream. We’re tired of demanding more of our leaders. We’re tired of holding out for something better. Most of the pieces I read from Hillary supporters start out with “I like Sanders and I agree with him, but…” But it’s a long shot. But we need to be realistic. It’s never gonna change. It can’t be done. Those who oppose us are too powerful, too entrenched, too obstructive. We can’t take the risk, not with so much on the line. We can’t dare to believe that the American people could stand together and defend our way of life. It’s over. We’re beaten. Lesser of two evils. Bootstraps. And in the middle of this howling hurricane of fear and heartbreak and anguish –

a little bird lands on the podium.

I don’t believe in miracles. I don’t believe in omens or portents. I don’t take this as a sign that Bernie Sanders is fated to become president and save the country from certain doom. Logically, I know that I’m already reading too much into this. That probably all of us are.

But it feels like a genuine moment of magic.

And, I dunno, that just makes me cry a little.

 

It also confirms my suspicions that @ProBirdRights on Twitter is real.



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